Q&A with Bill Zimmerman,
author of 100 Things Guys Need to Know
Q: Why did you write 100 Things Guys Need to Know?
A: I lost my father when I was very young and missed hearing the words that a boy growing up needs to hear from his dad. One Sunday before Father's Day a few years ago, nearing the anniversary of his death, I especially missed him. Seeking comfort, I found myself writing a letter from him to me saying some of the things I longed to hear from him-that he was proud of the person I had grown up to be, that he had loved me very much.
Writing to him reminded me of the words to a Fats Waller song, ''I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter, and make believe it came from you.'' Penning that letter eased a little of the pain I felt, and spurred me to begin this book of encouraging words for boys. You see, I tried to write the book I needed as a boy. I think, now, that I was really reaching back to comfort the lost boy I was decades ago. And, I know from experience in working with boys over the years, all young people-those with fathers as well as those without-need to hear words that guide them, encourage them and comfort them. None of us ever hears enough of those words.
Q: What is the book's key message?
A: I want to encourage boys as they make their journey in life, to tell them that along the way they may encounter difficult times, as well as good ones, but that they have inherent courage that they can call upon throughout their life to see them through.
I encourage boys to search within to find their key operating principles-the things that are important to them-that will help them make their way. For me, its things like: Always try to do your best. Believe in yourself. Be kind to others; treat people as you want to be treated. Keep hope alive in your heart. Never give up on your dreams, and work hard to make them come true. Through the examples I offer in the book, I hope that boys will be able to define their own values.
Q: You surveyed over 500 adolescent boys for your book. What issues and concerns were the on the boys' minds?
A: The book is organized according to the issues the boys themselves brought up: what it means to be a male, the changes in their body and mind as they enter adolescence, dealing with family, school, and relationships, and thinking about the future.
Many of the boys expressed concerns about what it means to be manly. Some said they wanted more time with fathers. Some were worried about divorce or parental discord. Others worried about their appearance. They talked about experiencing bullying at school, encountering peer pressure, the pressure by parents to do well in school, their feelings that girls seem to be treated better by teachers than boys are in school, and their fear of not doing well on the social scene.
Q: Boys get a lot of ideas about what it's like to be a "real man" from TV and other media. What can parents do to counteract these pervasive ideas?
A: Perhaps the best thing for a parent to do is to love the boy they have and to encourage him to accept himself and take pride in all the things that make him special. Certainly it helps for a boy to have a strong, capable male figure whom he can model himself after-a figure who is accepting, who is comfortable with all his feelings. But in families where there is no male figure around, a mother needs to teach her son to be a gentle, good, loving, kind person, and that this is the kind of male human being she wants her son to become.
Q: What are some of the obstacles facing boys when it comes to developing their social and emotional needs?
A: I think boys need encouragement in being more accepting and even loving to themselves, to recognize what is special within them-whether it's their gentleness or caringness, their sense of humor, their capacity for friendship. Boys need to be given encouragement to try new things to help them figure out who they are. They need to be told to listen to and respect their inner voice, rather than to unthinkingly follow the herd. They need, too, to hear that it is all right to express a variety of feelings-joy, sadness, loneliness, anger, fear and hurt-that all of these go into what makes a life.
Q: Why is it important to get boys to share their thoughts and feelings?
A: The hardest thing I faced in growing up was feeling that I didn't have an adult-particularly a father figure-with whom I could talk about the problems and concerns I was experiencing growing up. I felt very alone and that I was responsible for figuring everything out for myself-even though back then there was no way that I could have known all the answers.
I recognize now that if I somehow, had had more courage or self-confidence I could have made an effort to find someone-a teacher, an adult-to whom I could open up.
Even today boys somehow pick up the idea that showing emotions or revealing vulnerability isn't cool. But we know that bottling up feelings can lead not only to physical problems-like headaches or sleeplessness-but social ones as well like feeling alone, difficulties in school, feeling angry all the time, or not getting along with family and friends.
Thankfully, today many more men and fathers are becoming more comfortable with their feelings. They're opening up to their children and this, in turn, should begin to make it easier for boys to show their feelings more openly.
Q: Why can parents-especially fathers-sometimes have a hard time connecting to their children?
A: Some parents forget what it was like to be a child-the uncertainty, all the puzzlement, the lack of power that a child feels in not knowing how things work or how to solve problems. Sometimes a father may just be acting the same way his own father treated him, being a breadwinner and for the most part leaving the responsibility of rearing a child to his wife. But in recent years I have seen this changing and discern that many fathers are now taking more responsibility in the home, caring for their children, making time to play and talk with their kids. All that is wonderful and gives me greater hope for the future of their children.
Q: Why is a father's role in the family so important?
A: Boys need fathers to show them the way. They want to walk, talk, and act like their fathers. A father helps center them.
Boys need fathers to tell them that they love them, to share the things they have learned from life with them. Boys need to see that a father is constant in his fathering, in the way he husbands, in the way he works. Fathers need to convey to their sons the need to be a responsible human being, to tell their sons to listen to the voice inside them and believe in themselves. A father needs, too, to point out what is special in his boy and what also is special in others.
All to often boys may feel isolated or sit on their feelings and become desperate for nurturing from fathers or from older family members or friends. Some dads, we know, are very good in conveying to their sons the things they need to know. But others have trouble saying the words. This book will help those boys who need to hear such words and maybe even help their fathers.
Q: What are some ways families can stay closer together-in particular parents and sons?
A: It is so important for parents or caregivers to make time at the end of a busy work and school day to sit down with their kids and have a meal together, even if it's only pizza the nights when everyone is too tired to cook. It's at those times we re-establish connections with our children, when we become aware of what's on their minds and we can help them and show them we love them. I think it's a wonderful thing, too, if a parent takes the time to write a note of love or encouragement and stick it in their child's lunch box or school bag to be discovered during the day-it's another way of connecting and keeping in touch with their boy.
Q: In your experience mentoring youth, what have you found is most effective toward establishing connection?
A: I try very hard to listen carefully to what young people are saying or not saying. Too often, in my opinion, adults don't listen to children and spend too much time telling them what to do as if they have all the answers. Children need to be coaxed to make their "voices" known, to be encouraged to express themselves. To do this, a parent must consciously decide to set aside some time to spend with a son, whether doing a chore together or taking a walk together.
I remember as a child feeling that I didn't have anyone listening to me or encouraging me to speak, and I think that was one of the prime motivating forces that made me become a writer-to find and sound out my voice.
All of my books ask questions and encourage young people to express their voice and write about what they feel and think. That is why throughout 100 Things Guys Need to Know you'll find many questions posed to readers with the suggestion that they write their thoughts in a journal as a way to better understand themselves.
Contributor: Free Spirit Publishing
Reviews
100 Things Guys Need to KnowBill Zimmerman
Illustrations by Tyler Page
This book is great for the guy who needs to know what other guys are thinking, trying to figure out, mad about, glad about, feeling what, getting along, and needs to know about family, friends, being themselves. Things are numbered 1 to 100 in the text of the book with examples such as You're Not In This Alone, The Lowdown On Physical Changes, You Can Help Your Family, School Can Be Tough Going, Other Guys' Thoughts On Girls, etc., etc. These numbered questions and answers are in a block format with a mixture of graphic format. The suggested answers to the questions are in another block and sample scenarios are in another block. It may seem like a neat format for most teens. The vocabulary seems to be at a readable level for all teens. The notebook size allows for it to be tucked in with other school materials. The grays and blues and whites make it fairly indistinguishable from other school things for the sensitive kid. The author surveyed 500 boys ages 9 - 13 about what it's like to grow up today. The six sections in this book are - You, Body and Mind, Family, School, Relationships, and Future - and are based on topics they brought up upon interview by the author. He has written more than a dozen books used by families, children, and schools. He was a former editor of a newspaper and created a special section for young people on current events and other issues. 2005, Free Spirit Publishing, Ages 9 to 13, $13.95. Reviewer: Naomi Butler
ISBN: 1-57542-167-4
To view 13 of the tips Bill Zimmerman offers, click here.
Added 07/27/05
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